My Explosive Diarrhea

Damnit, I just cannot seem to find the time to write recently. Last night we used the Furminator or Mr. Bennet (who is a major pain in the ass now) and he has been shedding ever since. Apparently the furminator shampoo makes your dog shed and he has not stopped shedding since. My nose is running and my eyes are watering because I am covered in dog hair. I did not have to wear any clothes today because I am covered in dog hair that made a trench coat shape around my body. I hope he stops shedding soon before I turn into Chewbacca. Speaking of Chewbacca, I went to geekfest ‘09 AKA Comicon dressed in a Chewbacca costume. I could not see anything out of the mask, and I could not hear anything either. People were taking their pictures with me and hugging me. I was like a celebrity. I only lasted about an hour in that costume because I was sweating profusely. I did however stand by the Peter Mayhew booth (the guy that actually played Chewbacca). As I was standing there he turned, looked at me, laughed and said “Hey Chewbacca, nice costume”. Now thats classic! I will include a picture of me dressed as Chewbacca at the end of this post. My eyes are itching. I am getting ready to go to the grocery store to buy some meat. It’s super bowl Sunday and amazingly the Arizona Cardinals are playing. I cannot believe it. The Cardinals have been a long standing joke here in Arizona…even since I was a kid. Now, I drive around and people are flying Cardinals flags on their cars. It is weird that everyone in Arizona has suddenly become a huge Cardinals fan. Alright, well I will write more later. I need to go blow my nose.

I appologize for my lack of posts recently. My asshole has not seen much action..except for today. I have spent most of my hours today on the toilet and now my butthole is not happy with me. I blame my butthole blues on Long John Silvers. Yesterday I was very hungry and did not want to cook dinner so I decided that I would drive to Long John Silvers for some delicious chicken planks. I did not eat the hush puppies or the fries. All I wanted was the delicious savory golden brown chicken planks. As I was salivating over my scrumptious chicken planks and drinking my Dr. Pepper my stomach started to feel a little funny. I ignored it and continued to eat my deliciousness. After I finished I went into the bathroom because my stomach was still feeling a little strange. This wasn’t explosive diarrhea coming on…oh no…it was vomit. I threw up all of my Long John Silvers chicken planks and let me tell you, they tasted as good coming up as it did going down. After throwing up my deliciousness I was fine. However, I woke up this morning and exploded in the toilet…from my rectum. Every hour or so I have had my ass stuck to the toilet seat, grabbing my ankles and pushing all of the disgusting dirty diarrhea out of my anus. It is now 10:47 pm and I have taken 9 explosive shits today. Damn you Long John Silvers.

I am in the middle of watching Heroes season 1 on Netflix. I am very happy that Netflix has play it now movies and tv shows online to watch. And, they just were able to do this to Mac’s which is excellent because now I can watch all of it. I have decided that older men are very sexy…such as Sawyer from Lost and now my most recent hot older man discovery…Nathan Petrelli from Heroes. He is one sexy man. 

Mr. Bennet is becoming a little obnoxious. He runs in circles around my apartment non stop. He jumps on the coffee table, tries to lick my butthole while I am sleeping, and makes peanut butter and jelly sandwiches in the nude. I am excited about Christmas coming up. I enjoy spending money that I do not have and stuffing my face with nice fatty foods. Speaking of which, I wish I had a chocolate chip cookie right now from Paradise Bakery and a mint oreo blizzard from Dairy Queen…that might be the most delicious thing ever created besides corn dogs. Corn dogs are possibly my favorite food. I love them. I want to marry a corn dog. I want to be a corn dog.

I am off from work for the next two weeks. This is fantastic. I plan on sitting on my ass all day doing nothing. That sounds wonderful to me because I never get to do that anymore. New Years Eve is going to be exciting. My boyfriend and I are going to Bisbee again this year. I hope it is as crazy as it was last year with people dressed as insects walking on stilts, or flying in the air attached to balloons. Or, a person in a rabbit costume carrying a machine gun. If you live in Arizona, I highly suggest you go to Bisbee some year for New Years Eve. It is a blast. Make sure you do the ghost tour at night while you are there. You will not see any ghosts, but the tour guide gives you a great history of Bisbee itself and the hotels that are there as well. Last year we were so drunk we went into this mexican food restaurant there and demanded beer and chips and salsa. We got our beer and then they came over to tell us they were out of chips and salsa. I dont think they really were, I think they just wanted us to get the fuck out of their restaurant because we couldnt even walk straight. So, we got angry…we finished out beers and found a door on the side of the restaurant, snuck out and ran to our hotel….it was like 20 feet away. I cannot wait to see what this years Bisbee trip will bring. Time to poop again.

Mr. Bennet smells like poop but I do not want to give him a bath because it is a pain in the ass. He is also deathly afraid of getting a bath and might suffer a heart attack. I am really tired, but am suffering from insomnia so I am not able to sleep. It is very odd and pisses me off because I love to sleep. I should be writing lesson plans for the week or cleaning my apartment but fuck it…I just dont feel like it. I have a huge rip in my 20 dollar Goodwill couch. It saddens me. Thank god I have not seen any roaches recently. This damn piece of shit apartment complex has a ton of roaches and the management doesnt give a damn. Hate this place and cant wait for my lease to be up. My legs are hairy. I wore my clown shoes to the grocery store today. Drew Barrymore is starting to look like an alien. Angelina Jolie looked frightening in the Changeling. Ew, the Louisiana bowl from Popeyes looks disgusting. I wish I had a root beer float from a&w. My burps are echoing through the apartment…sick. 

Whenever I eat Rosarita Fat Free Refried Beans my farts smell rancid. I dont know what the hell is in those beans but I fart non-stop extremely smelly farts for 2 days. It is damn disgusting. I took Mr. Bennet to the vet today. The vet-tech had to stick her finger up his butt to get a stool sample. She said he was fine and didnt really move. Guess he liked it…

Mr. Bennet has a severe overbite. The vet says his teeth are going to show when they start growing in. I guess I am going to have a vampire dog. 

I woke up at 6 and got ready to go vote. I got there at about 7 am. The line was literally like 90 people long and after waiting for almost 40 minutes and moving 2 feet I decided it was not worth the wait. So, I went back at noon and there was one person in front of me. I had to go to the Disabled Veterans Association to vote. All of the volunteers were war vets in wheelchairs. It was sad. I accidently tripped on this one man’s stub foot and fell down. Oh god, another fart. 

I am watching the votes come in on CNN right now. Please do not let McCain win….please oh please. Why do all of the hicks vote republican.

I have to go, CNN is upsetting me. 

So, I got a new puppy this weekend. His name is Mr. Bennet. He has a fucked up jaw and looks kind of homely, but I think he is really damn adorable. His poop smells like rotting human flesh, but he is still really damn adorable. I think I may be allergic to him, but he is still really damn adorable. Here is a picture…tell me what you think!

I woke up yesterday morning with a cold and a stye in my eye. I also lost all of my keys (then found later in the trash) and have the smelliest farts I have ever had in my life. The windows in my car do not roll down because the motors are broken. So, my car is like a gas chamber and I just about kill myself as I am driving. The smell is so putrid that I now realize something is wrong with my insides. 

I just thought about a song for my stye eye. It goes something like this..

Got a bump, a big red bump

Looks like a lump but its really a bump

It’s a stye! Look at my eye!

Hurts to blink, cant even wink

Drain the puss 

Let it heal

I’m ready for my next meal

Oh, I finally had diarrhea after about a month. Minus the time a few weeks ago I had an accidental squirt in my pants…

I watched a documentary about Michael Jackson last night. I have to say, I loved it! It made me think much more positively about Michael Jackson. I never really believed that he jerked off young boys and after seeing this documentary, I really don’t think he ever did that. I now have a new found faith in little Michael. I think he just loves children so much because he had such a terrible childhood. He was beaten all the time…badly. He just wants all children to be happy! He says thats what the world needs…to make all children happy! It does make sense though…most crimes are commited by people who had really terrible or fucked up childhoods. WOW my fart just made me gag. Anyways, back to Michael. I also think the reason he does not have a nose anymore is because his dad used to tell him he had a big fat ugly nose. So, obviously he believed it since he heard it so much so he tried to alter his nose. Now, he has no nose…thats very sad. 

I was thinking last night if Michael Jackson is the most famous living person in the world…I think he is. I really couldn’t think of anyone else. Can anyone tell me who is more famous than Michael Jackson throughout the world?

Shit..fuck..damn. I do not want to go to work tomorrow. However, I also do not want to stay in my apartment because there are fucking roaches in here. It is seriously disgusting. I dont get it because I am like the cleanest person I know. I clean my apartment all the time. On Friday I went to the store and bought 2 roach bombs. I let those fuckers off…one in the kitchen and one in the living room. Came home the next morning and found about 15 dead roaches on the floor mostly. One was on the kitchen stove. Sick nasty shit. Although everyone I ask says that apartments just have nasty roaches in them…we should blow up apartment buildings because I absolutely hate cockroaches. I bent over in front of my floor fan a few minutes ago and ripped a fart. I laughed really hard because my fart sounded just like a duck…it smelled like a rotting baby pig. Hmmm speaking of pigs I saw the cutest pot belly pig on Craigslist the other day. It’s name was Soy Bean and was 2 months old. I wish I could have a pot belly pig so I could snuggle with it each night. Especially when the pig gets to be about 150 pounds. That would be so damn adorable. My mom told me a story tonight about how I was denied entrance into kindergarten because I refused to sing the baby songs…apparently you had to be able to sing nursery rhymes in order to be accepted to kindergarten and I refused to do it. So, they made me wait till the next year to be in kindergarten. Thats bullshit!

I need to go to bed. God my farts smell like aborted beluga whales.

McCain+Palin=the end of the world

Vote Obama if you want to live. 

On Friday night I had my birthday celebration. We all went to a ghetto bar and sang our hearts out for the karaoke contest. I apparently was the winner, and won a beautiful gang bang porno. The cover makes me gag. It looks like it is from the 80’s. It is now sitting in my closet. I plan to give it to my father for Christmas. I only sing Britney Spears karaoke. Is that weird? Speaking of Britney, she was looking pretty good on the VMA’s. 

Last night I was so tired and was still hung over from the night before so I decided to go to bed at 11. My boyfriend decided to stay up and watch something on tv. I apparently forgot that he was over, and sometime around midnight I was awoken by a sound and I saw a figure in the dark staring at me. I yelled “AHHHHHHH” and kicked him. Then I apparently apologized and mumbled “sorry, thought you were a stranger”. Pretty weird… I really did think there was a stranger in my apartment staring at me. I think it is because I am deathly afraid of waking up in the middle of the night, and someone standing in my bedroom staring at me. 

Is it odd that I clean my toilet once a week? How often are you supposed to clean the toilet bowl? I clean mine once a week because diarrhea is usually splattered on the side.

Does Burger King really have a mashed potato burger? This is the rumor I hear…