My Explosive Diarrhea

Well, I’m back. I just got back from my vacation to Chicago and Indiana. What an interesting trip…I was starting to get a little worried while I was on vacation because I was not having any diarrhea. It was so upsetting because I was hoping that I would have a great diarrhea story to share with you all. Well, I got my wish…times 10. This might be the most disgusting explosive diarrhea story I have yet to share. It makes me gag and throw up a little bit in my mouth when I think about it. Well, here goes…

My boyfriend and I went to Lafayette, IN to visit some of his friends that live there. Well, we went to this place called Bruno’s and ate a pizza with green peppers, sausage, pepperoni and jalapenos on it. This was quiet delicious at the time. I stuffed my face. I also drank about 8 beers because I was uncomfortable sitting around a group of people I did not know. After we finished stuffing our faces we decided to go to his friends house that is out in the country. On the way there my stomach was churning and I started to sweat. This is the first sign that diarrhea is going to explosively shoot out of your asshole. We finally got to his house and I immediately scoped out where the bathroom was and grabbed a beer. After about 15 minutes I had to go empty my fecal matter disaster into the toilet. My diarrhea literally shot into the toilet at full force. 

After I was finished I flushed the toilet. I looked down and the toilet was not flushing. Fuck…this was bad. I tried to flush it again and it just about overflowed and poured out onto the floor. I stood in the bathroom for a few minutes waiting for the water to go down. It went down, so I flushed it again. A little bit of the diarrhea went down. Thank god my diarrhea was pretty much like water except for a few juicy chunks. Once again I tried to flush the toilet…no luck. I started to panic. There was no way I was going to go tell his friends that I had explosive diarrhea in their toilet and now it wouldn’t flush. So, I looked around the bathroom and sitting there on the counter was a little decoration that would work excellent as a pooper scooper. It was a glass container with some sand in the bottom of it with a candle on top of the sand. I emptied the sand and took the candle out. 

Here comes the disgusting part….I scooped the diarrhea water out of the toilet and put it down the sink. I think I scooped about 10 cup fulls out in all. After I did this I flushed the toilet 2 more times. The water was still a little brown but it looked a lot better than before. I then washed my hands about 10 times, and put the decoration back together. I must have been in the bathroom for about 20 minutes…I’m sure people knew I was shitting, but definitely had no idea what I actually did. I grabbed another  beer and sat down on the couch as if nothing had happened.

As soon as my boyfriend and I got into the car the first thing he said was “did you have explosive diarrhea”? I denied it for a few minutes then I couldn’t hold back any longer. I busted up laughing and told my disgusting story. I think this grossed him out a little bit.

Well, that is my story. Fortunately that was my one and only explosive diarrhea story from my trip that I can share.

I took a shit this morning that was the smoothest shit ever. You know…the kind that just slides right out of your asshole like you had lubed it up with vaseline even though you really didn’t. I think after a night of drinking, I usually have really smooth poo’s. I like it. 

Sometimes I wish I was a horse so that I could neigh. I like the sound of sensual horse neighs. 

My toilet has horrible suction so there are always poo poo skid marks on the bottom of the toilet. It’s like having an extra decoration in the bathroom. 

I went and saw The Happening last night. I liked it. I seem to like all of M. Night Shyamalan’s movies even though they get horrible reviews (except for The Sixth Sense). The Happening was a very interesting idea, however it happened to lack a plot. In movies, this seems to be  an important thing. The female actress in this movie did a horrible job. She kind of acted like she did not even want to be in the movie. I don’t remember her whole name, so I will just call her Zooey D. Shit, Zooey D. your in a movie with the sexy little Mark Wahlberg. You should at least enjoy that damn you! He might night be a very good actor, but he sure is nice to look at. If you like M. Night Shymalan movies (those few of you) I would suggest checking this movie out. If you like thriller/suspense movies, I would not recommend this for you because well….you simply will not like The Happening. 

There was something stuck to the bottom of my foot this morning. It was somewhat large and black. I peeled it off of my foot and it was an ant. Poor ant. 

Ew! I just saw some strange little bug run across the computer screen! It looked like a niggletort!

I had a dream last night that I was placed in a small container and was being observed by small little piglets. They wore glasses and green visors. They liked to tickle my knee folds while I was sleeping. As they were doing this they were making little piggy noises in my ear. It was somewhat romantic.

Well, my butt itches so I better go wipe it. Guess that means it is question time…

If you had red hair would you jump off of a skyscraper while attempting to land on a small child that was made of marshmallows and post it notes? 

I hate to say this after the horrible earthquakes in China, but I had been secretly wishing that China would fall off the planet. I think they are horrible people for what they do to animals. They are by far the worst animal abusers and killers. Why is this allowed? It saddens me and makes me want to take a saw to the borders of China and cut it off from the rest of the earth. That might take me the rest of my life, but hell its worth it. If you have no idea what I am talking about I suggest you rent the DVD Planet in Peril. You will see what horrible people they are. And let me just clarify this, I am not racist. I am just racist against evil Chinese animal abusers/killers. If you want to read some really sad shit look up “bear farms” on google. You will see what horrible things they do to these bears in order to get bear bile and use it as medicine. What the hell? These people can take a fucking pill from the doctor and get the same damn result instead of killing a poor helpless bear. And god bless Olivia Newton John for taking up the cause and fight for poor helpless bears at bear farms. I salute you Olivia. I salute you.

Enough about fucked up China. Lets talk about how the rest of the world is fucked up (but surely not as much as China). Lets talk about how damn expensive gas is. Im considering buying a bike and riding it to work. However in my neighborhood it would probably get stolen, or I would get shot for a beautiful sparkling bicycle. I am very curious how you people are using less gas? Or, are you just saying “pssshhh” and just using the same amount of gas anyways? Well shame on you!!!

Lets talk about my toenail that has had a bruise for 3 months. Why wont this go away? Is something wrong with me? Why do I have this bump on my forearm and back that wont go away? Why do I wish I was a pony? Is this all part of getting old? Why wont my boobs shrink even though I have been dieting and exercising? Why do men only have one penis?

Why wont you people comment on my blog anymore?? (that is my question)