I was feeling funny about 5 minutes ago, but once I logged into my blog I no longer felt funny. I was setting up my new classroom today, and there were disgusting dirty filthy fucking cockroaches in the cabinet under the sink. I am terrified of cockroaches, so I made my mom clean everything out from under the sink. Was that mean? I didn’t care if they ran up her arm and into her nostrils, I just didn’t want them to do that to me. I would kill myself if a cockroach ran up my arm and into my nostril. That might be the most disgusting thing that could ever happen to a human being. Well, it might be more disgusting if you woke up in a bed filled with poo and poo eating cockroaches. Speaking of cockroaches, how the hell did they come up with that name? I really don’t understand. Were they originally discovered sucking on a man’s cock? Someone please clarify this for me. I made my own spaghetti sauce this weekend…it made enough to feed about 20 people. I’m not sure why I make such giant portions of food because I live by myself (except for the adorable Mr. Bennet). Needless to say I have eaten spaghetti for breakfast, lunch, and dinner for the past three days. It gave me the most terrifying farts…the kind of farts where you’re not sure if it’s going to just smell like rotten whores or if you are going to spew steamy hot liquid out of your butthole. Today I decided it was best to fart while sitting on the pooper. Wise choice. I’m pretty sure I shit straight spaghetti sauce out of my ass, in fact I probably could have shit into a bowl and mixed it with noodles and it would have tasted delicious. Well, I am going to go look at men’s profiles for the dating site I am signed up for. Doing this usually makes me feel better about myself because there are some extremely unattractive mother fuckers in this world. That might be mean, but I really don’t give a shit. Give me some mother fucking Dairy Queen!
Archive for the 'July' Category
So, recently two people have asked me to update my damn blog. Not a whole lot has been going on lately…nothing exciting anyways. I do have a story that is somewhat interesting. On Friday night a couple of my friends were going out to happy hour and then to karaoke, so I decided to join them. Usually when we go to happy hour and karaoke we all get wasted and turn into major assholes or retards. I’m not sure what I turned into last time, maybe a comatose kangaroo? I sang three songs..I thought I did pretty good on two of them. Then I decided to sing Pearl Jam. That was not very good. My friend had to sing it in my ear because I apparently could not remember a damn thing about the song, even though it is my favorite song of all time (hence me being a comatose kangaroo). I think she was sexually licking my neck the whole time instead of singing to me. The karaoke bar we go to is really interesting, and somewhat scary. We’re usually surrounded with meth addicts, and toothless vetarans. Needless to say, I am damn hot in this bar. Unfortunately, if I went home with any of the guys from this bar I might end up with some disgusting disease from their meth scabs rubbing on me or from their toothless gums caressing my body. Actually, it is more likely that I would kill myself after waking up next to one of them the next morning. Anyways, back to the story. After I had ordered chicken strips and french fries at the bar, drank a few more beers, and told everyone I was on bath salts I decided to go home. I wasn’t feeling very well on the drive home, and realized I was going to puke. I also thought if I puked, I might shit myself so I was trying to hold the puke in as long as possible. I was about one minute away from home, and I burped. The burp was so disgusting because it was a throw up burp. I swallowed the chunks that came up, and hoped I would not puke after I did that. Well, that backfired. I had projectile vomit spewing out of my mouth that I tried to stop by covering my mouth with my hand. Remember, this is happening as I am driving down the street. I remember looking at the taxi in front of me and wondering if he saw me throw up all over myself. Obviously covering my mouth did not help keep the puke in. I was covered in chunks of potatoes and honey mustard sauce. It was damn disgusting, but at least it smelled delicious. I looked down and I was absolutely covered in my scrumptios dinner. I considered pulling over and eating it, but I decided to drive the 30 seconds back to my place. I was so embarrased to get out of my car, but luckily no one was outside that could see me. When I got inside I looked in the mirror and just laughed. My hair, face, shirt, boobs, and jeans were covered in papas fritas y pollo. I stripped down, threw my clothes in the washer, and took a shower. It has now taken me almost two days to fully recover. I’m not sure if the food was bad, or if being two months shy of 30 is doing this to me. Oh, I also had diarrhea all day yesterday and that prevented me from going to my friends bbq because I was afraid I was going to have the piss shits all over myself. The thought of alcohol also made me gag. I will update my blog again soon (this time I mean it).
Goodness gracious, I do not know what I ate today that has made me fart every few minutes. And they are beefy farts. The kind that rattle your buttcheeks when you let loose. The stench is so bad that it makes even me gag. Ohhh, gosh. My whole apartment reeks. I left for a few hours to run some errands and figured my apartment would smell much better when I got back. It didn’t. It smelled like rotting corpses. I then thought maybe there might be a dead body in my apartment so I looked in all of the nooks and crannies….no such luck.
I went to this awesome German bar down the street from my place last night. I live really close to the downtown area and it has all these old buildings that are mostly filled with antique shops and restaurants. So, we ate at this kick ass Italian place and then decided to go to the German bar. We got these humongous beers (the kind you see the big boobed German girls handing out) and drank 2 a piece. Needless to say I was feeling great after drinking 2 of those and 2 beers from the other place. We were entertained by a tuba player and an accordion player. They were actually pretty good. It made me want to dance but no one else was dancing. The band was taking endless shots and drinking some drink that was on fire. I guarantee they had the piss shits this morning.
My poo has been orange for the past two days.
I went and saw the new Batman. I was a little disappointed I have to admit. I think it was a good movie, but not nearly as good as people were making it out to be. Granted, Christian Bale and Aaron Eckhart looked really really damn sexy but that was not enough for me. If Sawyer from Lost had been Batman it would have been the best and sexiest movie of all time. I hope to dream about that tonight. Heath Ledger did do a great job though…I was impressed with his performance.
Well, it is time for bed. I actually go back to work tomorrow after being off for a month. No diarrhea for the past few days. I will keep you all posted.
Ouch, my butthole hurts from just taking a large poo poo. It was such a big poo that I wasn’t sure it would flush and I was afraid I would have to use my favorite butter knife to cut the poo up in the toilet so that it would flush. Fortunately, I did not have to do this.
I was just looking at this website…here is a link http://www.peeandpoo.com/eng/flasheng.asp
This website has cute clothing and cuddly toys that are in the shape of pee and poo! Apparently it is supposed to help you potty train your child and serve as a cute toy as well. “Here sweetie, I bought you a cute stuffed piece of poo for you to sleep and cuddle with”. Who the fuck would buy that for their kids? I can just picture a kid walking around the airport carrying a stuffed poo toy. Or a child sleeping in a stroller holding a poo toy close to it’s face. Then someone comes up to comment how cute the child is, but once they look they see that a child is holding a poo toy! Gross!
This entry is going to be short today, I need to go wipe my butt better…it itches.
So, I went on a little mini vacation this weekend. Well, it was for a wedding. A very special wedding. It was for a lesbian couple! Yesterday morning I went to the airport to rent a car. I had no idea what type of car I was going to get. I was just hoping it would not be a Geo Metro or some other piece of shit. So, I told them what my price range was and the car I got was a PT Cruiser. I asked the man, please…isn’t there another car I can have? I really don’t want to drive a fucking PT Cruiser. PT Cruisers are for the elderly. But no, I was stuck with the sweet red cruiser. Well, I actually had a good time driving the elderly mobile to California. I drove with an old man mask on so people couldn’t actually see that a 25 year old girl was driving. However, I was wearing a really low cut top so I’m sure they saw my giant boobies. Some people may be attracted to old men with giant boobies. I know I sure would be.
So, I got to Palm Springs and fell asleep as soon as I got into the hotel. Apparently a 4 hour drive wears me out…pretty sad. OH! I forgot to mention that on my way to California I had to shit really bad. I seriously had a turtle head for about 40 miles. Finally, a small town came into view. I exited and took a huge dump at Carls Jr. It seriously coiled around the toilet and filled up most of the toilet. I was embarrassed because there was a long line for the bathroom and there was only one stall. Oh well, I had to shit. The bathroom started to stink and I knew I needed to finish quickly and get the fuck out of there. There was also this huge space in between the door and the wall of the stall. So, people could easily see who was sitting on the shitter. They probably saw me clenching my fists together and grunting.
Okay, so after napping I threw on a dress and headed to the wedding (I also took a nice squid-like shit). The wedding was nice, I love seeing two women getting married. My friend was the one in the wedding dress. Her now “wife” was in a suit. It was great. haha. Anyways, I was seriously like one of the only if not the only person who didn’t have a date so I got drunk. I had 1 beer in each hand at all times. After getting drunk, I stumbled around the back yard and apparently didn’t see a sprinkler so I tripped over it and water shot right up my dress and then shot all over the people dancing and the DJ booth. My reply was “oops”. Then I went and got two more beers and sat down and watched all of the couples dance while I sat there all sad and depressed since I was alone. Then, I decided fuck this. I am not going to sit here all depressed. So, I put on some charm and convinced the DJ to play Guns N Roses. It was great. Then I convinced him to let me play some music. So I played some sweet jams that apparently no one else liked but me. Then he showed me how to scratch the records and make it sound that much cooler. So, as I was doing this some people came over and told us that we had to shut the music off because the police were there. Pretty sad when the police break up your wedding reception! So, that was the end of the music. That was also the end of my night. I drove back to my hotel and passed out.
I woke up at 6 am. Checked out, jumped in the sweet cruiser and headed to the Agua Caliente Casino. I put 30 dollars in the 2 cent slots and played for about an hour. Of course I didn’t win anything. However, I was doing really good for a while. I was getting agitated because there was a lurker behind me watching me. You know, those guys who watch while you play the slots because they think once you leave they will get a jackpot because your machine was “lucky”.
So, after the casino I drove back to Phoenix. No fun stories to share from the way back. I did get a delicious Oreo shake from Carls Jr. though. I highly suggest you try one.
My farts smell like king crab legs.
Have you ever farted into your hand and then quickly closed your hand, put your hand up to your nose, opened it and then took a huge whiff? If not, I suggest you try it. You may pass out if you have eaten anything mexican within the past 24 hours.
Funny Games=worst movie ever.
Oh man, I have a funny story to share. I have been waiting for the maintenance man all day to come fix my air conditioning. I also needed to take a shower because I was starting to smell. So, I thought I had waited long enough for the maintenance man and I would hop in the shower because surely he wouldn’t show up within the next 10 minutes. My feet were also turning black so they needed a good scrubbing.
So, I took a shower and was walking back into my bedroom butt ass naked. I thought I heard a noise, so I opened my bedroom door and walked out by the kitchen (still naked at this point). Right then I heard a key being inserted into my front door and the door started to open… I yelled “JUST A MINUTE” …the door continued to open. I then bolted across the living room and slammed the door in the maintenance mans face and then locked the door. I said “I need a minute”, threw some clothes on and then let him in.
Phew, that was a close one.
Within the first hour of being in Chicago I was riding on the L Train. I loved it. I thought it was a lot of fun. That is until this man claiming to be a Vietnam vet got on the train and sat next to my boyfriend. He asked us for money, and we told him no. I get angry about people who ask people they do not know for money. So, after refusing to give him money he went off on this tangent about how we were racist and that I was a white ho. I was laughing as I found this man somewhat comical because I am not racist. A ho? Well, I don’t think I am that either. I stared out the window laughing at this man because he was yelling the entire time about how our president is black and from Chicago and no one respects him either. I started to get a little uncomfortable when he started yelling about how he had a fetus growing from underneath his fingernail. We got off of the train a few stops later. Thank god he did not follow us because I was concerned that his fingernail fetus would not approve.
The air conditioning is broken in my apartment. This is the second day with no air conditioning. This is horrible especially because I live in Arizona. It is literally 89 degrees in my apartment and like 110 outside. I am sweating as I am typing this. I guess it’s like having a sauna in my apartment. Maybe I will lose some weight. Fantastic.
I have signed up for google analytics and it tells me how many visitors I get a day (which is close to none) and what people type into google and end up getting to my site by clicking on a link. Well, I would like to make a list of some of the funniest things people have searched on google and from that have gotten to my website. So, here is a list of the best searches. Give me a minute, I need to go poop first.
AH, much better. I think I just lost a pound…that is most excellent.
Okay, here’s the list…
Buffalo Wild Wings explosive diarrhea
I wish I was a horse
Body gets itchy when have to poop
Clean diarrhea off of couch
Diarrhea accident on purpose
Green explosive diarrhea
Hairy assholes are disgusting
I have a bump on my asshole what is it
What makes cock turtle head
MAN! Some people are disgusting!! I hope the person who got diarrhea on their couch was able to get it off. I also hope someone found out what makes their cock have a turtle head. Excuse me while I go vomit. That is the most disgusting mental picture a person can get.
Well, I’m back. I just got back from my vacation to Chicago and Indiana. What an interesting trip…I was starting to get a little worried while I was on vacation because I was not having any diarrhea. It was so upsetting because I was hoping that I would have a great diarrhea story to share with you all. Well, I got my wish…times 10. This might be the most disgusting explosive diarrhea story I have yet to share. It makes me gag and throw up a little bit in my mouth when I think about it. Well, here goes…
My boyfriend and I went to Lafayette, IN to visit some of his friends that live there. Well, we went to this place called Bruno’s and ate a pizza with green peppers, sausage, pepperoni and jalapenos on it. This was quiet delicious at the time. I stuffed my face. I also drank about 8 beers because I was uncomfortable sitting around a group of people I did not know. After we finished stuffing our faces we decided to go to his friends house that is out in the country. On the way there my stomach was churning and I started to sweat. This is the first sign that diarrhea is going to explosively shoot out of your asshole. We finally got to his house and I immediately scoped out where the bathroom was and grabbed a beer. After about 15 minutes I had to go empty my fecal matter disaster into the toilet. My diarrhea literally shot into the toilet at full force.
After I was finished I flushed the toilet. I looked down and the toilet was not flushing. Fuck…this was bad. I tried to flush it again and it just about overflowed and poured out onto the floor. I stood in the bathroom for a few minutes waiting for the water to go down. It went down, so I flushed it again. A little bit of the diarrhea went down. Thank god my diarrhea was pretty much like water except for a few juicy chunks. Once again I tried to flush the toilet…no luck. I started to panic. There was no way I was going to go tell his friends that I had explosive diarrhea in their toilet and now it wouldn’t flush. So, I looked around the bathroom and sitting there on the counter was a little decoration that would work excellent as a pooper scooper. It was a glass container with some sand in the bottom of it with a candle on top of the sand. I emptied the sand and took the candle out.
Here comes the disgusting part….I scooped the diarrhea water out of the toilet and put it down the sink. I think I scooped about 10 cup fulls out in all. After I did this I flushed the toilet 2 more times. The water was still a little brown but it looked a lot better than before. I then washed my hands about 10 times, and put the decoration back together. I must have been in the bathroom for about 20 minutes…I’m sure people knew I was shitting, but definitely had no idea what I actually did. I grabbed another beer and sat down on the couch as if nothing had happened.
As soon as my boyfriend and I got into the car the first thing he said was “did you have explosive diarrhea”? I denied it for a few minutes then I couldn’t hold back any longer. I busted up laughing and told my disgusting story. I think this grossed him out a little bit.
Well, that is my story. Fortunately that was my one and only explosive diarrhea story from my trip that I can share.